I woke up on your birthday realizing that you could have been 64 years old by now. I wonder how you might look if you were still here. I longed to have the opportunity to kiss and greet you a happy birthday. I longed to buy you a new DSLR camera, because I know you'll never stop loving photography. I know you'd keep taking pictures of me, just as much as I'd keep posing for you. I might even convince you to do some wacky shots with me. Oh, how cute we'd look together! Of course, you'll have to appear in that obligatory "blow the candle and make a wish" shot. Shucks, I didn't even grow old enough to remember your favorite cake flavor.
As fun as all that sounds, I know I'll never get that wish. Nevertheless I decided to celebrate your birthday in my own little way.
I was due for Manila that day, having some student council business to attend to. I was dreadfully tempted not to go though. It's your birthday. I just feel like I have a right to have an 'off day' on your birthday. Unfortunately, I can't get away with that excuse. Ate Madz was also leaving for her enrollment in UP Diliman. I hope you remember her. She mentioned how she was so afraid of you back then. Haha! It seems you always had that solid exterior that had a tendency to shoo off other people.
Kuya Ryan sent me a Facebook message to greet you. He told me fond memories he had of you and how you were always the best at what you did. I can't help but agree, Dad. You've always been an inspiration to me to strive harder. I know you've been watching over me, so you must have seen the struggles and down moments I've been through. Through it all, I always found comfort that you would be cheering for me, never giving up on me. Aside from being an amazing all-around man, you have always been the best father. I remember you being there during my kindergarten school events, capturing every instant on your camcorder. I hope to have all your videos transferred to DVDs so I can rewind all those memories back, all those moments I shared with you.
Do you remember Mama Eden? She has a daughter now. She just got back from school when Ate Madz and I were about to leave. She's so adorable, Dad. I'm sure you would have loved her so much. Seeing her in uniform brings back memories of my carefree kindergarten days. Mommy told me that I used to call you "Papa" instead of Dad, but after hearing how my friends called their fathers, I went on with "Dad." Haha.
Speaking of Mommy, she's doing fine, Dad. I have to apologize though for testing her patience a lot. I know you love Mommy so much, and I'm sure she does too. I love Mommy, too. Sometimes I think we just don't see eye to eye. If you were around I might have made you lose your patience a lot. Remember how I always used to throw a fit when I was a kid? I went ballistic for the simplest things, didn't I? Losing a parlor game, not getting toys for birthday presents, or generally not getting what I wanted. I was a big whiner, Dad. I'm so sorry I couldn't have been better. I read one of your letters to Mommy long ago. it says there you missed my tantrums when you were away travelling. I can't imagine how you could miss those fits of mine. Haha! In fact, sometimes, I don't understand what makes you love me so much. I've been with you for five short years, but the kind of love you've given me can last for a whole lifetime. In fact, in your absence I still feel your warm embrace of love. Your love never runs out, Dad.
As usual, I boarded a bus bound for Manila. Oh, Dad. I really want to learn how to drive. It would have been a joy to have you teach me your tricks. Haha. You used to scare me a lot when you drove me to school before. You would take your hands of the wheel and shout "Look! No hands!" I look back and just think it's hilarious.
I arrived pretty late in Manila, so I decided to have lunch first. Guess where I went? I went to Jollibee Pedro Gil. This is where I celebrated my 6th birthday, roughly a year after you died. Mommy says it was her way of cheering me up given that I had just lost a father. I have vivid memories of that place before it was renovated. I remember that my cousins, relatives, classmates and even my teacher were all there. Hetty Spaghetti was my favorite character back then and she was the mascot at my party. I was all pretty in red and I had a great time. Too bad you weren't there.
I went to mass at the PGH chapel, just to celebrate and thank God for your life and for having a wonderful father. The priest who celebrated mass looked a lot like you. I imagine how you used to celebrate mass before you went out of the priesthood. The gospel was about Jesus giving the two greatest commandments: To love God and to love one another. I couldn't help but drift my thoughts to you, Dad. To me, you have always followed this commandment to the letter. There's just something about you Dad. You always have love to share. Everyone, be it family or friend, always has a good deal to say about you. You were everyone's favorite person. I couldn't be any more proud of you.
I went on to do my student council duties after mass. I went to National Bookstore to purchase some materials for the college bulletin boards. You would have been a big help, Dad. I know art is your thing, and I'm sure you could have shown me a thing or two, without even needing the help of computers. Then again, knowing how techie and up-to-date you are, you might even amaze me with your computer skills. Multimedia art is somehow an elusive talent for me.
Nevertheless, we have our own set of similarities, don't you think? Mommy also tells me you used to love going to National Bookstore to buy books. I see your books here at home and they are all from National Bookstore. I have always loved that store. You might have even loved Powerbooks and Fully Booked just the way I do now. We might even have weekly visits there knowing how we love books so much. I also noticed that you don't remove price tags, Dad. That's a little trait of mine, too. I somehow don't see the need to remove the price tag unless I have to give it to someone. Haha. Oh, and just recently, I finished reading one of your books -- The Sherlock Holmes Mysteries. I simply loved it, Dad! I am such a fan of Sherlock! I am longing to buy the complete set of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's masterpiece. I have E-books and all but I just can't let go of the drama of turning a page in my hand. I have loved Sherlock even before I saw the Robert Downey, Jr. (who is totally hot) and the Benedict Cumberbatch (who is brainy and sexy) versions. You and I would have enjoyed both the movie and the series! We could go to cinema, collect or rent DVDs and buy series of our favorites. If Home along da Riles were still showing I know you would still be watching. And somehow I believe we'd still be watching The Lion King together. I just watched the YouTube video of The Circle of Life and it already brought me to tears.
I had a student council meeting at 4:00 PM after the bulletin board situation. We have a lot of plans lined up for this year, Dad. I do hope we get them all done successfully. I would have wanted nothing more than to invite you to watch the Tea Party or our Nursecississm performance. Knowing you, you might even be there recording it all. I remember how Gerald said he saw you during my Grade School graduation. Apparently you were in your grey William Lines uniform. I never got to see you then, but I'm just happy that you made it there all the same.
That's just the thing with you, Dad. You are always there. I miss your physical presence, but through the years you've never stopped making me feel that you are there. Even after roughly 15 years of your absence I try my very best to keep you alive. Last Monday I was crying because I missed you so much. I was thinking about how I never get to do any more drawing, creative writing and other stuff. I just got so disappointed in myself for not making any time for that. You see, I always saw those things as ways to keep you alive. Somehow, I want to remember you through the things we enjoyed doing together. This letter is an offshoot of that. I just want to thank you for always being my number one fan. I believe the love we share transcends the threshold of death.
Today, when I look at my recent photographs, I know you're not there anymore. But at the back of my queer little mind, I just think that you're the photographer. Happy birthday, Dad. You'll always be the best. I love you so, so much.
All my love,
Ella Mae
All my love,
Ella Mae
