Everyone knows the story. Unrequited love. One-sided relationship. One person secretly in love with another. One day that person decides to have the guts to tell the other person about his or her feelings, somehow hoping that maybe, just maybe, that person feels the same way.
Then again, that person doesn't. And you're 'friendzoned.'
While being rejected is tough, I have reason to believe rejecting is not so easy either. You're on the end that ends up looking like the bad guy. You dread making that person feel like a complete loser for being dumped.
But the truth is this: Rejection will always be painful no matter how you do it. It's a blow to the self-esteem. The ego is threatened and has trouble dealing with the situation, and that would definitely take some healing. The only recourse for the 'rejector' is to do it properly, to somehow make it easier for the person to accept. Under the concept of human goodness, I do believe no one really wants to hurt someone like that. It's just that the task is so complex that no one really knows a sure-fire way to do it. There have been many published and unpublished pieces of advice on how to break it to the person, and all I can say is that it's a case-to-case basis. No situation is ever the same to use a single method. That's why I will not attempt to summarize them into a "How to friendzone in 10 steps" version. All I'm after is presenting how you should not do it. Hey, don't get me wrong. I'm no expert on love or relationships. I didn't do a ten-year research on friendzoning. This is just my own collection of thoughts, derived from the experiences of people who did it right, people who did it wrong, and people who got hurt in the process.
Do NOT run away.
It sounds childish but some persons really do this. When that person does tell you, don't just run away and lock up in your room. I've heard before that you should at least make the person feel that he or she is worth an explanation. Never leave a person speculating. I know your actions show that they are obviously rejected, but they need some closure. They need to hear it from you. Having another friend tell it for you won't work either. At least respect the person's courage for overcoming the fear and revealing his or her feelings. Be brave enough to respond.
Do NOT laugh at the person.
When someone tells you that they love you, don't laugh like a hyena and say, "Wait, you're kidding me, right?" as if you were told the biggest joke of your life. Believe me, that person will feel like a big joke if you do this. Some people would be honest and tell you they weren't kidding, while some would laugh with you and say, "Nah. Some joke, huh?" Be sensitive to comments like this. Again, this person's self-esteem is being threatened. Those feelings are real and genuine at that time, so don't make those feelings seem worthless.
Do NOT get angry.
This has nearly the same reason as the last one, but this time you're improperly scolding that person for liking you. It's like scolding that person for being human and just having the guts to tell you so. Think how a little boy would feel when, after breaking a flower vase, he gets brave enough to tell his parents. Instead of thanking him for the honesty, his parents scold him to the ends of the earth and ground him till the next era. That's how your friendzoned lover would feel when you start saying, harsh comments. In the event that you are good friends prior to the confession, never say, "You never should have told me! You're ruining everything!" It's no use making the person feel it was a stupid decision. While they don't even need to regret being honest, it's hard not to feel bad about the rejection. So you don't need to add to that. Don't make them feel like they've committed a crime.
Do NOT destroy their gifts.
If they gave you flowers, cards, stuffed toys or chocolates to go with the big confession, do not rip them apart. Those gifts are symbols of their affection. Seeing them destroyed would break their hearts. Many people can get anxious of the situation and handle it that way. If you have to, at least don't do it in front of them. Our goal here is to assuage the pain they already feel. I know you don't like them, but at least appreciate them for liking you.
Do NOT suggest other people they can date.
The whole point of 'fessing up was to let you know that they have feelings for you. Nothing splendid is going to come out of you matchmaking them with other persons. Don't go like, "I'm sorry. I don't feel the same way, but you know, my best friend has been crushing on you since forever...you two should date." I understand that your intentions were good and you were trying to make everyone happy, but remember that you don't control his or her life. You can't tell them who to like hoping that it would work out for them. Again, it takes time to accept the rejection, so don't rush them into finding someone new.
Do NOT erase that person from your life.
It's enough torture to realize you've been dumped, but being ignored is just insane. This is especially true if that person is your best friend who just happened to fall for you. Never, ever leave them hanging and give them the cold shoulder. I know, I know. It's awkward, but try not to be selfish for once and think how the other person feels. Apparently it took them a lot of guts to tell you how they feel, so don't aggravate the pain by making them wallflowers. It only lowers their self-esteem. They already know you can't give them your love. Just think of the feeling that they don't even deserve your attention.
Do NOT use other forms of rejection
Sure, you already said so. It really hurt the person. And now you're thinking it would be best to part ways, so you start unfriending, blocking, unfollowing or erasing their phone numbers and emails. Please, as long as that person isn't pestering you, do not do this. This is strongly connected to not erasing that person from your life. I felt the need to put a separate paragraph for this because a lot of people have been using this tactic with the hope of "moving on." While it is a means to forget, it isn't necessarily a way to move on. Moving on means learning how to live in the same world with that person, not banishing them to oblivion. There are two sides to this. Of course, the rejectee has to learn to get over it, too. On your end, though, you have to learn to face that person despite the decision you had to make. It will take time to lose the awkward feeling, but that person doesn't need you to shut your doors completely as if you never met.
Do NOT spread it like forest fire.
Just as that person doesn't want to be ignored, he or she also doesn't want every body talking about it, asking about how they feel or simply interfering with his life. I know rejecting is hard, too, and you would need someone to talk to. Well and good, but never do it for the sake of talking about it and spreading the word. Remember that the person is in a very vulnerable position. It was hard enough telling you, now you have to go on and tell everyone. And for heaven's sake don't you dare post it on Facebook, Twitter or any online site. I don't care if that person doesn't have an account or isn't online. Posting it online is just wrong. It's the virtual equivalent of announcing your rejection on the school bulletin board. And I do hope you're not doing this primarily to humiliate the person. If so, then I'm sorry but you're a twisted, evil person.
Do NOT give them big favors or 'consolation prizes'
This is when you feel so bad for what you did that you decide to be extra nice. It's your own way of clearing your conscience. Hence the extra favors and free lunches. Please, none of this drama. On one hand the person may feel a tinge of hope and start thinking you may be falling for him or her too. Obviously, this isn't going to work because you're going to put him or her through that painful process of rejection again. And mind you, it's going to be more painful than the first. Then again, that person can also totally sense the shallow behavior and see through those fake deeds of consolation. The person can feel what you're trying to do, and the last thing that person needs is for you to feel sorry for him or her. Just as you should not give them the silent treatment, do not be too nice either.
Do NOT insist on still being friends
Cue Mandy Moore's "Can we still be friends?" Obviously, they already know that you can't be any more than friends. Still, these people won't be ready to accept that just yet. The rejection is going to crush them. They were hoping for a romantic relationship but they just can't get that from you. Sure, being friends with them would be swell, but don't rush on it. Being friends is what you want because you don't want to seem like you did them harm and that they're okay with it. Again, they don't need you controlling their lives. Give them time to heal. Your role is to let them know that you're still willing to be friends but understand that what you did was painful. And even when they do agree to being 'just friends,' you can still feel that tinge of awkwardness, as if nothing will be the same again, and it's still going to feel like a lost friendship.
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Like I said, rejecting can be awkward and uncomfortable, but always remember that there are two people in the situation. As much as you can, try to empathize with the person. That person's role is to learn to live with your decision and accept it. Yours is to accept that what you did was painful, and to be sensitive enough to the other person's feelings. Remember how vulnerable the person is with their self-esteem blown like that. You can never completely understand what they're going through, but at least help them go through the process. Try to find that balance that's going to work for the both of you. It's still going to be painful, but at least you didn't make it any worse.
