How NOT to friendzone a lover

Everyone knows the story. Unrequited love. One-sided relationship. One person secretly in love with another. One day that person decides to have the guts to tell the other person about his or her feelings, somehow hoping that maybe, just maybe, that person feels the same way.

Then again, that person doesn't. And you're 'friendzoned.'

While being rejected is tough, I have reason to believe rejecting is not so easy either. You're on the end that ends up looking like the bad guy. You dread making that person feel like a complete loser for being dumped.

But the truth is this: Rejection will always be painful no matter how you do it. It's a blow to the self-esteem. The ego is threatened and has trouble dealing with the situation, and that would definitely take some healing. The only recourse for the 'rejector' is to do it properly, to somehow make it easier for the person to accept. Under the concept of human goodness, I do believe no one really wants to hurt someone like that. It's just that the task is so complex that no one really knows a sure-fire way to do it. There have been many published and unpublished pieces of advice on how to break it to the person, and all I can say is that it's a case-to-case basis. No situation is ever the same to use a single method. That's why I will not attempt to summarize them into a "How to friendzone in 10 steps" version. All I'm after is presenting how you should not do it. Hey, don't get me wrong. I'm no expert on love or relationships. I didn't do a ten-year research on friendzoning. This is just my own collection of thoughts, derived from the experiences of people who did it right, people who did it wrong, and people who got hurt in the process.

Do NOT run away.
It sounds childish but some persons really do this. When that person does tell you, don't just run away and lock up in your room. I've heard before that you should at least make the person feel that he or she is worth an explanation. Never leave a person speculating. I know your actions show that they are obviously rejected, but they need some closure. They need to hear it from you. Having another friend tell it for you won't work either. At least respect the person's courage for overcoming the fear and revealing his or her feelings. Be brave enough to respond.

Do NOT laugh at the person.
When someone tells you that they love you, don't laugh like a hyena and say, "Wait, you're kidding me, right?" as if you were told the biggest joke of your life. Believe me, that person will feel like a big joke if you do this. Some people would be honest and tell you they weren't kidding, while some would laugh with you and say, "Nah. Some joke, huh?" Be sensitive to comments like this. Again, this person's self-esteem is being threatened. Those feelings are real and genuine at that time, so don't make those feelings seem worthless.

Do NOT get angry.
This has nearly the same reason as the last one, but this time you're improperly scolding that person for liking you. It's like scolding that person for being human and just having the guts to tell you so. Think how a little boy would feel when, after breaking a flower vase, he gets brave enough to tell his parents. Instead of thanking him for the honesty, his parents scold him to the ends of the earth and ground him till the next era. That's how your friendzoned lover would feel when you start saying, harsh comments. In the event that you are good friends prior to the confession, never say, "You never should have told me! You're ruining everything!" It's no use making the person feel it was a stupid decision. While they don't even need to regret being honest, it's hard not to feel bad about the rejection. So you don't need to add to that. Don't make them feel like they've committed a crime.

Do NOT destroy their gifts.
If they gave you flowers, cards, stuffed toys or chocolates to go with the big confession, do not rip them apart. Those gifts are symbols of their affection. Seeing them destroyed would break their hearts. Many people can get anxious of the situation and handle it that way. If you have to, at least don't do it in front of them. Our goal here is to assuage the pain they already feel. I know you don't like them, but at least appreciate them for liking you.

Do NOT suggest other people they can date.
The whole point of 'fessing up was to let you know that they have feelings for you. Nothing splendid is going to come out of you matchmaking them with other persons. Don't go like, "I'm sorry. I don't feel the same way, but you know, my best friend has been crushing on you since forever...you two should date." I understand that your intentions were good and you were trying to make everyone happy, but remember that you don't control his or her life. You can't tell them who to like hoping that it would work out for them. Again, it takes time to accept the rejection, so don't rush them into finding someone new.

Do NOT erase that person from your life. 
It's enough torture to realize you've been dumped, but being ignored is just insane. This is especially true if that person is your best friend who just happened to fall for you. Never, ever leave them hanging and give them the cold shoulder. I know, I know. It's awkward, but try not to be selfish for once and think how the other person feels. Apparently it took them a lot of guts to tell you how they feel, so don't aggravate the pain by making them wallflowers. It only lowers their self-esteem. They already know you can't give them your love. Just think of the feeling that they don't even deserve your attention.


Do NOT use other forms of rejection
Sure, you already said so. It really hurt the person. And now you're thinking it would be best to part ways, so you start unfriending, blocking, unfollowing or erasing their phone numbers and emails. Please, as long as that person isn't pestering you, do not do this. This is strongly connected to not erasing that person from your life. I felt the need to put a separate paragraph for this because a lot of people have been using this tactic with the hope of "moving on." While it is a means to forget, it isn't necessarily a way to move on. Moving on means learning how to live in the same world with that person, not banishing them to oblivion. There are two sides to this. Of course, the rejectee has to learn to get over it, too. On your end, though, you have to learn to face that person despite the decision you had to make. It will take time to lose the awkward feeling, but that person doesn't need you to shut your doors completely as if you never met.


Do NOT spread it like forest fire.
Just as that person doesn't want to be ignored, he or she also doesn't want every body talking about it, asking about how they feel or simply interfering with his life. I know rejecting is hard, too, and you would need someone to talk to. Well and good, but never do it for the sake of talking about it and spreading the word. Remember that the person is in a very vulnerable position. It was hard enough telling you, now you have to go on and tell everyone. And for heaven's sake don't you dare post it on Facebook, Twitter or any online site. I don't care if that person doesn't have an account or isn't online. Posting it online is just wrong. It's the virtual equivalent of announcing your rejection on the school bulletin board. And I do hope you're not doing this primarily to humiliate the person. If so, then I'm sorry but you're a twisted, evil person.

Do NOT give them big favors or 'consolation prizes'
This is when you feel so bad for what you did that you decide to be extra nice. It's your own way of clearing your conscience. Hence the extra favors and free lunches. Please, none of this drama. On one hand the person may feel a tinge of hope and start thinking you may be falling for him or her too. Obviously, this isn't going to work because you're going to put him or her through that painful process of rejection again. And mind you, it's going to be more painful than the first. Then again, that person can also totally sense the shallow behavior and see through those fake deeds of consolation. The person can feel what you're trying to do, and the last thing that person needs is for you to feel sorry for him or her. Just as you should not give them the silent treatment, do not be too nice either.

Do NOT insist on still being friends
Cue Mandy Moore's "Can we still be friends?" Obviously, they already know that you can't be any more than friends. Still, these people won't be ready to accept that just yet. The rejection is going to crush them. They were hoping for a romantic relationship but they just can't get that from you. Sure, being friends with them would be swell, but don't rush on it. Being friends is what you want because you don't want to seem like you did them harm and that they're okay with it. Again, they don't need you controlling their lives. Give them time to heal. Your role is to let them know that you're still willing to be friends but understand that what you did was painful.  And even when they do agree to being 'just friends,' you can still feel that tinge of awkwardness, as if nothing will be the same again, and it's still going to feel like a lost friendship.

===================================================================

Like I said, rejecting can be awkward and uncomfortable, but always remember that there are two people in the situation. As much as you can, try to empathize with the person. That person's role is to learn to live with your decision and accept it. Yours is to accept that what you did was painful, and to be sensitive enough to the other person's feelings. Remember how vulnerable the person is with their self-esteem blown like that. You can never completely understand what they're going through, but at least help them go through the process. Try to find that balance that's going to work for the both of you. It's still going to be painful, but at least you didn't make it any worse.

Because I don't want to play games anymore

You know who you are,

I know you've been trying to contact me recently. I guess I just didn't know how to respond to you during those times, so I chose not to. Now I believe it's time we set things straight. I understand we haven't been seeing eye to eye in light of recent events, so I'm writing this to clear things out. My only wish for you now is to read it intently. I would very much appreciate it if you take my words to heart.

I've long known that something was going on between you two, even before 'that' happened. Frankly I don't mind that you two end up together. In fact, who you choose to fall in love with, when you choose to fall in love, that is definitely not for me to say. That's the realm of your love life that I can only support. Under different circumstances I would have been so happy for both of you.

But that's not what happened, and you know that.

What matters to me is why you've fallen in love and how you go about your relationship, or at least, those are the problems that I see now. I don't want you falling in love for the wrong reasons, and whether you admit it or not, physical contact and attachment complicates matters. Even if you say you're trying to know one another, what you're doing is already a barrier to that. If there's anything I've learned about relationships, it's that those who are meant to be together end up together no matter what happens. Sure, you started liking each other way before that night, but what happened put things out of order. Parang nagmadali ka magluto.

A more pressing concern for me is how you go about your relationship. I have no idea whether you two are meant for each other or if you'd end up married, but doing the wrong things before that happens is wrong in itself. I can't tell you enough how much I hate what you did and what you apparently are still doing. I'm aghast to realize that you don't seem to see anything wrong in what you're doing, nor do you seem to find any remorse for it.  Sure, call me a moral killjoy and all. Tell me all you want that you're just trying to live life to the fullest, seize the moment, perhaps. But what kind of  happiness are you looking for? You're living on shallow emotions. I don't understand how you keep on trying to ruin your life when you're already crumbling inside. You keep saying you have so many problems in school, at home, in your finances, but why do you keep adding insult to injury?

This is no longer an issue if this is a rebound relationship. This isn't just an issue of whether you'd get hurt again in the long run. Obviously you're willing to take those risks. But let me tell you that that's not the only problem. The fact that you're investing your time, energy, money and emotions in wrong behavior is wrong in itself. You're not even thinking of the consequences anymore, how this would affect your school life, your family, your future for crying out loud. You're giving in to your own desires for the heck of the moment. But you won't just be living in the here and now! Besides, if you really love a person, you should know how wrong everything is already.

You've been so selfish that you never even considered how everyone else feels about it, how I feel about it. Ever since I've learned about this I've been obsessing over what I'm going to do with you. I was always so genuinely concerned of you and I was so afraid of everything escalating from one problem to another. You don't realize how much time I've spent away from my own problems and worries just to pray for you, to think about you, to figure out how I'm going to fix things for you. Pinoproblema ko buhay mo. Bakit ko ginawa? Tol mahal kita e. You should know that by now. I already told you I'm not against your happiness, but you don't seem to comprehend the full gravity of that. I am trying to make you happy, that's what I've always wanted, but the end does not justify the means! Disapproving of this all comes from me being your sister. But all I get from you is a deaf ear, always hearing and  never listening. I don't even think you really considered my thoughts on the matter. You both think I'm doing this because I'm afraid your relationship isn't that strong to last. That's just the tip of the iceberg. For heaven's sake this isn't about you anymore. I feel so frustrated that I can't seem to get through to you anymore. Where the hell have I gone wrong? I've always been there for you and you know that. I've always been so proud of our friendship because it withstood all the bad times we had, because it was always there whatever happened.

You know the sad part? I'm starting to realize we've always been in good terms when I was there for you, when I agreed with you and supported you in your decisions. Now that I am nowhere near that, you keep your distance, you keep acting like nothing happened. I'm guessing you're expecting me to cave in and support you in time, to be happy for you in the end. But no. This time there's no way I could agree with you because this is far beyond my principles. I hope you stop expecting me to support you, because that would only show me how selfish you really are. You don't choose friends based on who always agrees with you. Larong bata yan e. You think everything would just be okay the way you're doing it? Think again.

You know how much you mean to me, and you should realize that I wouldn't be this brutal if I wasn't that concerned. Stop telling me I have nothing to worry about because I do have something to worry about. I'm flabbergasted at how screwed you think about everything right now, and while you still believe in that I just can't be there for you. I don't want to be part of it.

At the end of this message you must thoroughly hate me already. I've written this message because I don't know what else I could do anymore. You can't be convinced by talks and you even shunned away the thought of you and I talking. I have no idea what I can do. Yes, that's your life and you make decisions for yourself, but I do hope you stop to think if you're making the right ones. OO, HINDI KO 'TO PROBLEMA. Pero yun na nga e, di ko na nga problema ako pa namromroblema. Don't you tell me you're ready for the consequences because you will never realize how grave they will be until they hit you in the face.

I've realized myself that talking to you would be futile if you don't see a problem in anything. Mahirap tululong sa ayaw magpatulong.  Until you do I don't think we'd be agreeing with each other. I just can't fake how I feel about this. I'd rather be an honest friend than a fake one. Let this be my way of expressing everything I have to say.

I'll be honest when I say I don't really recognize you anymore. Somehow you're not the person I used to know.

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

I woke up on your birthday realizing that you could have been 64 years old by now. I wonder how you might look if you were still here. I longed to have the opportunity to kiss and greet you a happy birthday. I longed to buy you a new DSLR camera, because I know you'll never stop loving photography. I know you'd keep taking pictures of me, just as much as I'd keep posing for you. I might even convince you to do some wacky shots with me. Oh, how cute we'd look together! Of course, you'll have to appear in that obligatory "blow the candle and make a wish" shot. Shucks, I didn't even grow old enough to remember your favorite cake flavor.

As fun as all that sounds, I know I'll never get that wish. Nevertheless I decided to celebrate your birthday in my own little way.

I was due for Manila that day, having some student council business to attend to. I was dreadfully tempted not to go though. It's your birthday. I just feel like I have a right to have an 'off day' on your birthday. Unfortunately, I can't get away with that excuse. Ate Madz was also leaving for her enrollment in UP Diliman. I hope you remember her. She mentioned how she was so afraid of you back then. Haha! It seems you always had that solid exterior that had a tendency to shoo off other people.

Kuya Ryan sent me a Facebook message to greet you. He told me fond memories he had of you and how you were always the best at what you did. I can't help but agree, Dad. You've always been an inspiration to me to strive harder. I know you've been watching over me, so you must have seen the struggles and down moments I've been through. Through it all, I always found comfort that you would be cheering for me, never giving up on me. Aside from being an amazing all-around man, you have always been the best father. I remember you being there during my kindergarten school events, capturing every instant on your camcorder. I hope to have all your videos transferred to DVDs so I can rewind all those memories back, all those moments I shared with you. 

Do you remember Mama Eden? She has a daughter now. She just got back from school when Ate Madz and I were about to leave. She's so adorable, Dad. I'm sure you would have loved her so much. Seeing her in uniform brings back memories of my carefree kindergarten days. Mommy told me that I used to call you "Papa" instead of Dad, but after hearing how my friends called their fathers, I went on with "Dad." Haha. 

Speaking of Mommy, she's doing fine, Dad. I have to apologize though for testing her patience a lot. I know you love Mommy so much, and I'm sure she does too. I love Mommy, too. Sometimes I think we just don't see eye to eye. If you were around I might have made you lose your patience a lot. Remember how I always used to throw a fit when I was a kid? I went ballistic for the simplest things, didn't I? Losing a parlor game, not getting toys for birthday presents, or generally not getting what I wanted. I was a big whiner, Dad. I'm so sorry I couldn't have been better. I read one of your letters to Mommy long ago. it says there you missed my tantrums when you were away travelling. I can't imagine how you could miss those fits of mine. Haha! In fact, sometimes, I don't understand what makes you love me so much. I've been with you for five short years, but the kind of love you've given me can last for a whole lifetime. In fact, in your absence I still feel your warm embrace of love. Your love never runs out, Dad. 

As usual, I boarded a bus bound for Manila. Oh, Dad. I really want to learn how to drive. It would have been a joy to have you teach me your tricks. Haha. You used to scare me a lot when you drove me to school before. You would take your hands of the wheel and shout "Look! No hands!" I look back and just think it's hilarious. 

I arrived pretty late in Manila, so I decided to have lunch first. Guess where I went? I went to Jollibee Pedro Gil. This is where I celebrated my 6th birthday, roughly a year after you died. Mommy says it was her way of cheering me up given that I had just lost a father. I have vivid memories of that place before it was renovated. I remember that my cousins, relatives, classmates and even my teacher were all there. Hetty Spaghetti was my favorite character back then and she was the mascot at my party. I was all pretty in red and I had a great time. Too bad you weren't there.

I went to mass at the PGH chapel, just to celebrate and thank God for your life and for having a wonderful father. The priest who celebrated mass looked a lot like you. I imagine how you used to celebrate mass before you went out of the priesthood. The gospel was about Jesus giving the two greatest commandments: To love God and to love one another. I couldn't help but drift my thoughts to you, Dad. To me, you have always followed this commandment to the letter. There's just something about you Dad. You always have love to share. Everyone, be it family or friend, always has a good deal to say about you. You were everyone's favorite person. I couldn't be any more proud of you. 

I went on to do my student council duties after mass. I went to National Bookstore to purchase some materials for the college bulletin boards. You would have been a big help, Dad. I know art is your thing, and I'm sure you could have shown me a thing or two, without even needing the help of computers. Then again, knowing how techie and up-to-date you are, you might even amaze me with your computer skills. Multimedia art is somehow an elusive talent for me. 

Nevertheless, we have our own set of similarities, don't you think? Mommy also tells me you used to love going to National Bookstore to buy books. I see your books here at home and they are all from National Bookstore. I have always loved that store. You might have even loved Powerbooks and Fully Booked just the way I do now. We might even have weekly visits there knowing how we love books so much. I also noticed that you don't remove price tags, Dad. That's a little trait of mine, too. I somehow don't see the need to remove the price tag unless I have to give it to someone. Haha. Oh, and just recently, I finished reading one of your books -- The Sherlock Holmes Mysteries. I simply loved it, Dad! I am such a fan of Sherlock! I am longing to buy the complete set of  Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's masterpiece. I have E-books and all but I just can't let go of the drama of turning a page in my hand. I have loved Sherlock even before I saw the Robert Downey, Jr. (who is totally hot) and the Benedict Cumberbatch (who is brainy and sexy) versions. You and I would have enjoyed both the movie and the series! We could go to cinema, collect or rent DVDs and buy series of our favorites. If Home along da Riles were still showing I know you would still be watching. And somehow I believe we'd still be watching The Lion King together. I just watched the YouTube video of The Circle of Life and it already brought me to tears. 

I had a student council meeting at 4:00 PM after the bulletin board situation. We have a lot of plans lined up for this year, Dad. I do hope we get them all done successfully. I would have wanted nothing more than to invite you to watch the Tea Party or our Nursecississm performance. Knowing you, you might even be there recording it all. I remember how Gerald said he saw you during my Grade School graduation. Apparently you were in your grey William Lines uniform. I never got to see you then, but I'm just happy that you made it there all the same. 

That's just the thing with you, Dad. You are always there. I miss your physical presence, but through the years you've never stopped making me feel that you are there. Even after roughly 15 years of your absence I try my very best to keep you alive. Last Monday I was crying because I missed you so much. I was thinking about how I never get to do any more drawing, creative writing and other stuff. I just got so disappointed in myself for not making any time for that. You see, I always saw those things as ways to keep you alive. Somehow, I want to remember you through the things we enjoyed doing together. This letter is an offshoot of that. I just want to thank you for always being my number one fan. I believe the love we share transcends the threshold of death. 

Today, when I look at my recent photographs, I know you're not there anymore. But at the back of my queer little mind, I just think that you're the photographer. Happy birthday, Dad. You'll always be the best. I love you so, so much.

All my love,
Ella Mae